Archive for the ‘Philosophy’ Category

/winning

Posted: March 28, 2011 in Philosophy
Tags: , ,

Just took a dump.

… Had to flush twice.

/winning

The bathroom.

The last place where a man can be a man without a woman constantly interrupting with all the girly stuff she can interrup a guy with. A place where a man can be a man.

The toilet.

A place where a dude can take a leak – or a dump if he wants to. Or just read the newspaper or a good book

A good book

… All by himself. A place of solace and serenity. Of chosen loneliness and concentration. Where one can find peace and relaxation amongst the fumes and odours that makes a man a man.

A sacred place. For man and woman actually.

But it is also a controversial place.

Every single man who shares, not only his life, but his home, house or appartment, knows the problem.

A man can stare for hours at this picture without realizing what's wrong. A woman only needs about 2½ seconds.

One of the most discussed situations in every relationship:

The toilet seat.

Over the years, many solutions has been proposed, this is just one of them:

And this is another:

But I see myself as a rational human being. A man of reason and intelligence. But yet, I still don’t see what it is that woman find so damn inconsiderate about the whole toilet seat-dispute.

Seen from a rational point of view, not putting the seat down is in fact a considerate thing to do.

What does the upward seat mean?

1) The toilet has been used. Alright, what a surprise.

2) The toilet has been used by a guy. Or a lesbian.

3) The guy urinated in the toilet.

For me to see, I’d rather go take a dump (or if I’m a woman take a leak) on a toilet on which the seat has not yet been put down. The reason? Okay, lets go through this:

1) Women often accuse men for not hitting the toilet when they stand up.

2) When guys stand up without the seat up, there’s a huge risk of pissing on the seat.

3) Women do not, I repeat, not like to use a toilet on which a guy has been pissing on the seat.

4) When the seat is up, it is very difficult to piss on the seat.

Ergo, when a woman finds a toilet where the seat is up, she can be somewhat sure that the seat has not been pissed on, and therefore whe can be sure that the seat is fairly clean and thenshe can use the toilet without being afraid that there’s urine on the seat.

Plus, it only takes 0.67 seconds to put the seat down (with a little help of Mr. Gravity).

Lawyered.

I believe it was the British philosopher, Jagger who once said:

You can’t always get what you want

And for a long time I tought, that he was an idiot. Of cause you can get what you want. If you want something you better just take it. Or someone else will.

But recently I’ve started to believe him. You really just can’t get everything you want. There’s always some idiot out there who is either luckier or better than you, who gets all the jobs, all the money and all the ladies.

Is this the death of an egoistic optimist?

Let’s admit it. I’ve got the attention span of a three year-old. When it comes to literature that is. How many books have I started to read? And how many did I finish before starting on a new one? Actually I don’t have an answer, because I really don’t know. What I do know is, that right in this moment I’m reading four books at once. Lord of the Flies, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, The Divine Comedy and a book on Egyptian art history.

I read Lord of the Flies for the first time in the 7th grade, great book, even back then, but I started reading it again, because I think I’d appreciate it more now that I’m older and wiser.

Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Thus Spoke Zarathustra is the book I just can’t finish. I’ve had it for about two years and I’ve never read past page 27. It’s not that it’s boring or anything, I love Nietzsche and his philosophy, but it’s like there’s some kind of barrier I just can’t read past. So now, for the 5th time, I’m giving it a shot.

The Divine Comedy is the classic I actually never finished. Mostly because the coolest part is the Inferno, Hell. Purgatory and Paradise sounds dull, but truth be told, I never started reading Purgatory or Paradise.

And why am I reading about Egyptian art history? Firstly, because I’m supposed to study Middle Eastern archaeology after the summer holidays, and I like to be a little up front and I don’t know anything about art in ancient Egypt. Secondly, because I just happened to pick it up during a book sale and I thought: that’s good toilet reading. Yeah. It is.

… Because I went out last night and got shit faced. Seriously shit faced, not to the point when I needed to throw up, but it was close, and because I’m eating my girlfriend’s food, leftovers from yesterday, a curry/rice-thing she heated for me, but unfortuneately she mistook the cinnamon for the curry, so she compensated for the cinnamon orgy with extra salt and curry powder. What a feast.

I’m almost done with my thesis on ethics in self defence situations for my black belt exams next month. Oh yeah, finally getting my black belt, after doing jiu-jitsu for about seven years, gonna be epic.

Finally, I just want to say that I fucking hate busdrivers! They are an angry and hateful breed. When you buy your ticket, and pay with a 100 note, they constantly starts yelling and cursing. Seriously, Busdriver, do you really have to be such a jew about it?

I travel by train. A lot these days (I make my money as a test subject in medical trials and experiments, no shit, and because of that I have to show up at various research facilities, universities and hospitals around the country). I guess I could fly to Copenhagen when I need to, but there’s just one thing: I fucking hate planes. You sit uncomfortably. You have to show up like an hour or two just to get on the fucking thing. You need a passport and it’s 30 times more polluting than trains. Taking off is unpleasant. Landing is unpleasant, and how the hell does 650 tonnes of aluminum (which, by the way, is one of the most corrosive/fragile metals in the world – just ask yourself: why can’t I bring a glass of pickes i my luggage? The answer? The pickle-water is corrosive enouth to eat through the belly of the plane. Think about that) get airbourne?

Anyway, I was sitting for 5 hours in the train today, and all of a sudden I realised the one thing that makes trains one of the most horrible means of transport: people. Old people. Young people. They all have one thing in common when they sit in a train. They just can’t talk queitly in their damned phones. Why do I Ihave to be able to listen to every goddamn word those people say when they are on the phone? I do not need to know, why uncle Walther needs chemotherapy, why little Claus needs an endoscopy or how good That Guy was in bed last night or – brace yourself… How huge he was. Holy shit, at least you aren’t allowed to use a cellphone on an airplane.

Is it really that hard to use the space between the train compartments if you just can’t keep the fuck quiet? I’m not a saint either, when I seldom talk on the phone in a confined space (like a train) I keep quiet and brief. It is none of the other people’s business to listen to my conversation.

Holy fuck, at least I don’t need to take the train ’till wednesday… Or maybe I just take the plane?

I recently moved to a new apartment, and because I’m about to move again in about three or four months I didn’t feel like unpacking all of my books – only the ones I felt like I needed in my impressively small bookshelf, and I thought of making a list of a few of them*:

  • Albert Camus: The Fall
  • Allah/Muhammad: The Quran
  • Boccaccio: Decameron
  • Dante: The Divine Comedy
  • Euripides: Electra
  • Finn Høghøj: Pre-Socratics
  • Franz Kafka: The Verdict
  • Frede Møller Kristensen: Texts of Buddhism – Pedagogical Studies
  • Friedrich Nietzsche: Thus Spoke Zarathustra
  • George Orwell: 1984
  • George Orwell: Animal Farm
  • God/Moses: The Bible
  • Henrik Ibsen: A Doll’s House
  • Homer: The Illiad
  • Homer: The Odyssey
  • Howard Philips Lovecraft: Necronomicon
  • Jean-Paul Sartre: Existentialism is a Humanism
  • Johannes Sløk, Mogens Pihl & Erik Lund: The European History of Ideas
  • K.E. Løgstrup: Creation and Destruction
  • K.E. Løgstrup: Martin Heidegger
  • K.E. Løgstrup: The Ethical Demand
  • Ken Keysey: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
  • Lewis Carroll: Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
  • Lewis Carroll: Through the Looking Glass
  • Marty: Nachel: Homebrewing for Dummies
  • Professor Wally Jay: Small Circle Jiu-jitsu
  • Sv. Aage Bay: Contemporary Foreign Religions
  • Victor Hugo: Les Misérables
  • William Shakespeare: Collected Works
  • Willy Thrysøe: Human Sexuality: a Philosophical and Biological Analysis
  • + About 15 books about various fields of mathematics and chemistry

*When possible I’ll use the English titles – otherwise I’ll try to translate in best the best possible way.

Jag vet inte något bättre, men i Amerika har de visat
att i låten “Beyond the Realms of Death” av Judas Priest
Finns det röster i huvudet som säger: Ge dig själv en chans
Men det är svårt när du inte vet vilket håll kulan ut
Så jag sa släpp rädslan för sataniska musik
För du blir först hjärndöd, så det kan inte slå klick
Och även om Ozzy Osbourne hoppade en dopade get i luften
Finns det inget fel med sunt förnuft …. nej

What the fuck is up with people these days? I just came back from taking a huge crap at the public library. Well, it could have been any damn public crapper anywhere on this God forsaken planet.

Imagine this: you sit alone, peacefully on the toilet, just minding your own business, reading the paper, when all of the sudden, all Hell breaks lose: Your colour blind fucktard of an Alcoholic Dad  tries to break the door open. I mean, for fuck’s sake, why didn’t you just take a look at that small, but yet still impressively visible red dot above the door handle that, not verbally but colourfully, states that this paticular toilet is fucking vacant?!

What the Hell is wrong with these people? What’s going on in their sick, twisted minds??

Wow, geez… Dude, that little reddish thingy above the door handle is red… Well, uh, that means that the door is locked, so I can’t get in… Oh no! I CAN’T GET IN?!! Fuck, but i NEED to get in!

[retard starts breaking the door the fuck down with all his might]

Goddammit, mother FUCKER, OPEN UP YOU SON of a BITCH! WHY CAN’T I GET IN?? WHY? WHYYY, GOOOOOD?! WHAT THE HELL’S WRONG WITH THIS CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD??

I really don’t know if that was really what went down in the guy’s head, during my crapper-assault, but I think it’s something like that.

Din alkoholiske far slår dig, fordi du er vedtaget

Ever since Mother, the television nazi, started banning me from using the tv when I wanted to watch something she didn’t, I found out that I had to do something. And one day I stumbled upon NCIS – sure I’ve seen it on tv, but I found out that I could watch it on the internet whenever I wanted to! So I started with the first episode of the first season and worked my way through the entire series in about a month…

But it wasn’t until I finished Family Guy that I realized what had happened. I’d become addicted to these god damned shows. But it didn’t end there. So far, I’m up-to-date with:

  • House, MD
  • NCIS
  • Scrubs
  • Friends
  • Family Guy
  • American Dad
  • Two and a Half Men
  • The King of Queens
  • Futurama
  • Bones
  • How I Met Your Mother
  • The Big Bang Theory
  • True Blood (I know, but Anna Paquin is pretty to look at)
  • Harper’s Island (well, I’m not actually up-to-date with this one, because it’s only 13 episodes)
  • Dexter

And I’m currently watching the first season of Lost and I can easily watch three or four episodes a day (that, by the way, is how much I’m bored these days) and before I couldn’t stand those people who was enslaved by the tv, forced to sit week after week and watch the same show. But I love these tv shows, and maybe the reason why I don’t hate myself that much for it, is because I’m not a slave like “the others”, I can watch each and every episode of my shows when I want, I am not forced by the programmed schedule to sit every Thursday night and watch my show, I can do it when I’m bored and have nothing to do or when I can’t find a good movie or stuff like that.

The only problem is, that when I finish one show, I’m left with two choices: what for the next season to start (which is typically a half or one year later) or start watching a new one (which makes me addicted to that one as well).

Om man talar med Gud du är religiös. Om Gud talar med dig, du är psykotisk.

I do not believe in God, Allah, Jehova, Shiva or Buddha. I do not believe in faith or destiny or that “things happen for a reason”. I believe in freedom. The opportunity to do whatever I want, whenever I want. That I can board a plane to Los Angeles this afternoon and spend the rest of my days as a rich, classy guy-hooker for all the rich ladies, or that I can punch the pregnant lady in the seat right next to me in the stomach and cause an instant abortion (love the song, actually), and no one can do anything about it – I hold all of these life-changing decisions in my hand, and I can make them whenever I like. My only regret would be, if I didn’t take advantage of it at some point.

So all you sad, sobbing determinst idiots out there: stop whining, take some responsibility for your life and live a little. You can always regret on your death bed.

PS.: for the record: I didn’t punch the pregnant lady in the stomach.

PPS.: actually I didn’t punch anyone at all…

Jesus säger: inte en kuk.