surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Posted: May 19, 2010 in Everyday life, Misc., Uncategorized
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The Zombie Apocalypse, it’s not a question about if, but when it starts. Because it’s coming. You can laugh all you want, but in the end, I’ll be laughing even harder when I’m safe and alive and you are dead. Seriously. So while we wait for Patient Zero to take that faithful bite of that contaminated burger, here is my guide to surviving The Zombie Apocalypse, Z-Day, or The Zompocalypse:

Learn how to use a firearmyou wanna be able to kill them (again) from a distance.

MozambiqueDouble tap in the chest and one in between the eyes.

Improvised weapons lean how to work a chainsaw, kill with a kitchen knife, turn your hairspray into a flamethrower and blow shit up with a microwave.

Ammo! – make sure you have plenty of it.

Cardiowho do you think will be the first ones to go? Yeah, the fatties.

Gimme shelterfind the shelter with the least entrances possible. Remember, glass can be broken and when the zombies are raging, the doors won’t stay boarded up forever.

Real friends kill friends who become zombiesThe purest form of bro love. No homo.

No photos of your girlfriendfor some reason it’s always the guy with the photograph of his girlfriend that dies first. For some other reason this rule does not apply to girls.

Canned foodif the virus can spread through saliva or blood or anything that can be left on a piece of toast, stick with canned food. It lasts forever and the cans are air tight, so unless Patient Zero worked on the factory that made the  canned goodies, and he spat in the food, you should be OK.

It only takes two to a tangodo not travel in large groups. Think about it: you are locked up in your shelter, and suddenly the guy in the corner reveals that he is, in fact, infected, and suddenly attacks and bites the person standing next to him. Result: two infected people infecting others, and all of a sudden the shit hits the fan. In a small room. With a lot of infected, and only one of you.

  1. scottmaiorca says:

    Lol. I would think canned meat maybe more dangerous than a zombie bite. Spam is truly scary.

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